John's Coaching

We want to be free. Free to think and operate as we choose. We want to be unconstrained from burdens and obligations. We want to be our own person, unique in our expression. What are we to do, which is to say, how are we to think about our bodies, our parental and societal upbringing, and our friends and family? Are we not trapped inside our body? While this seems at first glace demonstrably true, perhaps various spiritual traditions teach us to identify with an immaterial spirit rather than our corporeal body. If we are an instance of or a participant in the spirit realm, our seeming to be trapped in a body would be in actuality a grand illusion. If we are spirit, is there any constraint within that existence or are possibilities endless? Could the spirit realm, so to speak, possess certain rules of engagement that are nonnegotiable? How about our upbringing from our parents within the larger societal conforming training? Can one truly be free from such influences? In theory a Buddhist monk who had attained satori would have transcended their ego and, therefore, perhaps, let go of all connection to the norms of society. Then again, it appears that, on the surface, at least, Buddhist monks each follow a similar path of meditation, isolation, and style of appearance. What about the enlightened individual who deeply absorbs the reality that their existence (how they perceive themselves and the world) is completely shaped by their upbringing within the cultural understanding of their generation *while* at the same time absorbing that their familiar mode of existence has no objective foundation? Would that sort of individual be free from constraints, or, despite their transcendent enlightenment, would they still be inexorably trapped within their conformist understanding of what's good, bad, right, wrong, appropriate, inappropriate? Even though they "know" all their beliefs are groundless, perhaps they still cannot wipe them out and start from nothing. Does the monk truly attain this total freedom? Or, is there some degree of wishful thinking going on within the monk community and the outsiders' perception of the monk community? And, finally, what about our sense of connection and duty to our family and friends? If freedom is about being independent, what to do about our intuitive desire to connect and form strong bonds of affiliation with others? We instinctively don't want to walk away from the obligations seemingly inherent to strong families and friendships. We want to do the "right" thing and be there for them. We want them to do the right thing and be there for us. When a family member mistreats us, or we perceive that they have, we must be basing our conclusion on some standard of behavior we think carries weight. In conclusion, we grasp for more freedom, while at the same time, hold tightly onto standardized constraints. We want our romantic partner to feel totally free to think how they choose, feel however they do, even act however they choose -- except when it doesn't suit us, as in the case of some infidelity. At the same time, we may feel like we want to be able to do whatever we want whenever we want; then again, in reality, perhaps we intuit that we'd be happier adhering to certain constraints, such as fidelity to our romantic partner. Welcome to John's musings in the dark. I hope you enjoy the reflection.

Time is a mysterious phenomenon. It's not a thing. It's not an it. For humans we experience life from within the backdrop of certain death. Each now moment is imbued with resonance and poignancy because of our awareness of our eventual demise. We know that eventually our life on earth will expire and our earthly possibilities will cease to be. We know what's coming, even if we don't know precisely when. Do other life forms have this relationship with time? Perhaps other primates, to a degree. Dolphins, whales? Perhaps. What would happen with humans if life were infinite in duration? Would we be much different beings? I suppose the Greeks called such beings "gods," though they didn't really have the imagination to portray the gods as anything more than typical humans. If the Greeks did grapple with the deep effects of being immortal, I suspect they would have imagined more disinterested, detached behavior, rather than the pettiness, jealousies, and overall egoism of the Olympians as we know them. Then again, detached Buddha-like beings wouldn't have been much fun, nor very interesting characters in epic poems. For us, perhaps time seems linear -- from past to present to future -- because we feel the march of time toward the inevitable end (at least on earth in life as we know it). Most of us feel understandable fear of the end that awaits us, with the fear perhaps turning to terror as we get closer to the end of the line. What would happen if we were somehow unafraid of death? What would that do to our experience of time and, therefore, life? Instead of an inexorable march toward the finish line of the race that we never want to reach, what if we prepared ourselves to leave our bodies, so to speak, with equanimity and affirmation? What if we actually mentally and emotionally prepared ourselves to be able to make our grand exit with blissful acceptance? It would take courage to confront the facts of life in this way, rather than mentally and emotionally running away from it all the time. Perhaps, though, to a profound degree, our experience of time (and life) from moment to moment will be powerfully impacted by the posture we take toward our eventual death. I wouldn't be the first and I won't be the last to suggest such a proposal. Something to think about at any rate. Thanks for coming along on this brief exploration of time or, at least, one major aspect of time.

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to share my reflections on the loss of Rush drummer and lyricist, Neil Peart. I can remember being around 12 years old listening to the bombastic but thoughtful genius of Rush's 1976 album, 2112, and holding the gate-fold cover in my hands. It was a blissfully overpowering experience. Neil stood out instantly as an incredible drummer, with almost unequaled power, precision, and agility (Phil Collins, John Bonham?). W hat's more is that Neil wrote almost all the lyrics. And what lyrics they were! This was not merely some "June, moon, spoon" lovelorn set of words; this was inventive sci-fi with a philosophical message. It all made quite an impression on this impressionable adolescent. And that was just the beginning! They kept right on making powerful and thoughtful music until 2012, and I kept on listening and enjoying. I saw them three times -- once in college in LA and twice in the Bay Area, including their last set of shows in 2015 where I got to share the majesty of live Rush with my two sons. Neil passed recently at 67 years young, much too young. Even though I never met him, I miss knowing he was out there somewhere being peculiarly Neil, probably reading, riding his bike, hanging out with family and friends, and laughing a lot. I will have to take solace in the fact that his music lives on forever. Moreover, his noble and principled spirit and commitment to total excellence in his art and life will serve as an ideal to which to aspire. Thank you, Neil, for your positive impact on my life.

1. Be your word. Do what you say you will do. Not sort of what you said. Not 90%. If you are not going to do what you said, admit it immediately and create a new agreement. Never agree to do something merely because of your ego, i.e., just to gain approval or inflate your perceived value. 2. Keep it real. Say what you did do. No exaggerating. No bullshitting. Admit wrongdoing or failure when it happens. Assume responsibility. Keep your ego out of it. It's not about your pride. It's about the truth. Tell the truth. It's not that hard. 3. Manage expectations. Stand responsible even for what others expect of you. If you are not planning to comply with an expectation, make that explicitly clear to whomever needs to hear it. 4. Clarify your personal standards and values and act accordingly. Once you are clear, life's choices are not that difficult. Sure, you will be tempted to veer off of your true north direction, but, you can just simply choose not to do it. No matter what the temptation, act in accordance with your standards and values. Money, pleasure, prestige....none of these are anywhere near as valuable as your integrity. 5. Leave out the excuses and justifications. No one really cares why you didn't do what you said you would do or what you implied you were going to do. Just own it. You are human. You made a mistake. You screwed up. You didn't live up to your standards. Have compassion for yourself. But, you still don't need excuses and justifications. They are only relevant to try to save face. You don't need to save face. That's all ego. It's a waste of your time and energy. 6. Manage yourself rigorously. Write down your agreements. Put the by-when dates on your calendar. Create a workable plan. Do the work. Eat your vegetables first, then enjoy dessert later. Create partners to support and empower you along the way. Every day counts. Every choice matters. Focus. 7. Avoid resentment. Others are going to let you down. Deal with if forthrightly. Resenting them doesn't accomplish anything. It's like fake revenge. In your fantasy the other person will really be hurt by your resentment. In reality they probably couldn't care less. Confront them directly. If there are consequences to their behavior, spell it out so they are clear. If you forgive them, be sincere about it and let the matter go. 8. Still keep dreaming big. Don't let your concern for integrity be an excuse for avoiding creating extraordinary results. Don't be afraid to make promises which stretch your known capabilities. You'll never know if it's possible if you don't go for it. If you ultimately don't reach your desired destination, it doesn't mean, necessarily, that you were not in integrity. Rule number 1 above can occasionally be missed as long as you were in earnest the entire way through the process with, you guessed it, no bullshitting.

The next time someone is sharing a challenging situation they are dealing with...instead of giving them some piece of advice or a solution, simply empathize with their struggle. In your own words, let them know you feel for them. Once they receive your empathy, you can follow up with a series of open questions that may prompt them to come up with their own creative solution to the issue. By just listening and supporting, instead of giving them your answer, you will be giving them a tremendous gift. You will essentially be giving them the space to be wherever they are and the prompting to think for themselves about the best way to move forward. You’ll be a true, blue friend, and, in that kind of interaction, you add to the transformation of the world.

It all comes down to what you deliberately choose to be your primary priority in life. See, the world, the “normalcy of civilization,” sort of indoctrinates us into believing that avoiding discomfort should be one of, if not the number one, most important priority of our lives. Think about it. It’s a phenomenon we take for granted. We no longer need to summon this priority; it happens automatically, outside of our conscious choice. The good news is it’s not the only priority available. Each of us has the ability to choose to transcend the default priority. It’s not that we suddenly want to go looking for discomfort. But, avoiding discomfort, doesn’t have to be our paramount goal. Imagine a new priority to guide you through the challenges of life. Instead of merely avoiding discomfort, imagine you chose to prioritize being fully engaged in living life to the fullest. Again, as with my coaching in the previous email, all of this is easier said than done. Just knowing it’s possible to make this kind of life-altering shift is a priceless gift to give yourself.